


Rodney's tactical list for surviving three-year-olds

by Tazmy



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Babysitting, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-13 01:00:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7955953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tazmy/pseuds/Tazmy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Rodney try to get 3-year-old Torren to sleep.  It doesn't go well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rodney's tactical list for surviving three-year-olds

**Author's Note:**

> I used to write for SGA a lot but these days it's once every few years. I have a 3-year-old and parents today know that 3 is the new 2. This was written after a particularly rough night.

Rodney writes a tactical list for dealing with ridiculously difficult three-year-olds:

  1.  Threaten
  2.  Bribe
  3.  Beg
  4.  Insist
  5.  Give up



He tries everything on the list except the last. Rodney decides Torren will have to sleep eventually so spending any energy forcing him to bed earlier would just be a waste. For once, the answer seems to be 'give up'.  

John thinks Rodney's plan is doomed to failure but he is also out of ideas.  They each settle into their chairs and allow Torren to play.  Surely he'll tire out soon.

When Teyla calls at 21 hundred hours Torren is laughing in the background.

"Yes, that’s Torren," John says, "We'll get him to bed.  I promise."

"There is no shame in admitting you need help," she tells him.

"We can do this."

John tries singing Torren to sleep but Torren asks for Uncle Rodney to read to him instead.  

Rodney reads the technical manual to Atlantis's septic tanks.  John knows this is just a ploy to get Torren to ask for John again.  Torren, however, is three and septic tanks prove the height of humor.

"Knock knock," Torren says.

"Who's there?" Rodney answers.

"Farts."

"Oh God, really?" Rodney cries.  Fighting his way past replicators must be easier than having to hear the same nonsensical joke over and over.

"Knock knock."

"If you haven't noticed, I'm ignoring you. I have better things to do with my time then listen to this infantile joke one more time."  If he ever finds out who taught Torren knock knock jokes they will have cold showers for a week.

"Please," Torren asks as sweetly as he can.  "Please.  Please.  Please."

"It's just going to be the same joke as last time."

"No, it won't."

"That's what you said last time!"

John cuts in and answers, "Farts who?"

Rodney glares but bites back any response.

"Hey, why you calling a fart on a poopy tank?" Torren says, then laughs so loudly it makes Rodney and John's ears hurt.

Rodney shouts, "That's the same joke! It doesn't even make sense!"

"Knock knock,” John says.

"Seriously!?!" Rodney shouts just as Torren says, _Who’s there?_

John shrugs.  If he’s going to have to live through this the least he can do is rile Rodney.  Judging by Rodney’s red face, his plan is working.

Rodney mouths  “I hate you.”

John says, "Boo.”

Rodney says, "Really?  You really are a three-year-old sometimes, you know that?"

Torren says “Boo who?”

Rodney is sure he’s being punished for something but he has no idea what.  

When Teyla calls at 22 hundred hours, Torren is chanting, "Let me play!  Let me play!  No sleep!  No sleep!"

"Just relax and enjoy your night out," John says despite all of him desperately wanting her to come back.  "We got this."

He knows she's beyond relaxing since this is the fourth call that night.  He considers turning off his headset but figures that will only worry her more.  He tries to convince her to go to the mainland but she's stubborn about sticking around.  It's odd because she never has a problem leaving Torren with the Athosians for days at a time.  He tells her as much.

"I trust you to have my back in battle,” Teyla answers.  “I also know you love Torren very much.”

John can read the between the lines but doesn’t push the issue.

Rodney, however, takes the defensive. "Is this because we fed him S’mores last time?" Rodney asks.

"If I recall, that's all you fed him. For two days."

"He wasn't complaining!" Rodney says.

"What did you feed him tonight?" Teyla asks, her calm voice meant to sooth them.

"Peanut Butter and _lanteanberry_ sandwich.  Some of the Athosian vegetables you had in the fridge.  Some cookies and some milk," John answers.

"Have you tried reading him a story?"

"Oh right, a story, why didn't we think of that?” Rodney answers.  “Here we were just staring at him hoping he'd go to sleep on his own!  Really, we're not idiots!" His hands extent outward while he looks up as though to ask, _Why me?_

"We also tried singing, begging, taking away toys, demanding, and Rodney tried tantruming," John adds.

"I did not!"

"Have you tried reasoning?" Teyla asks.  "He often listens to reason."

It figures Teyla uses negotiation with Torren but John knows enough about three-year-olds to doubt the method's efficacy for anyone other than Teyla.  He agrees to try anyway to get her off the phone.

"Do you know why we're trying to help you sleep?" John asks Torren.

Torren looks at the floor while he purposely waves around to avoid any eye contact or semblance of discussion.

"Because sleep is important," he says eventually, in a drone-like voice.

"Right.  If you don’t sleep you’re going to feel awful in the morning.  You don’t want that and I don’t want that.  So the best plan here is to get some sleep."

"No! No bed. No bed. I don't want to!"

"Look, if you want to have energy to play then you need sleep. So get going.  Sleep.  Now."

"Poopy head!" Torren replies, laughing and running away.

"That went about as well I as expected," John tells Rodney.

"Let me try," Rodney says.  He turns to Torren. "Get in bed and I'll tell you a story."

"Okay!"

Torren races to his bed but John knows this is short lived just as the other five story attempts.

Rodney attempts telling a story about a monster alien turtle named George that lives on the mainland.  Meanwhile, John gets Torren a glass of water.

The story leaves Torren with many questions. "A monster turtle?!?" Torren asks, laughing loudly enough to wake all of Atlantis.  "With claws?  That's so silly!  Why hundred legs?  Why claws?  He walks silly? That’s silly!"

Rodney draws the story out as long as he can but then Torren seems more awake than he did before.

"Just go to bed!" Rodney begs.

Torren’s laughs stop abruptly.  He throws himself on the bed and starts kicking.  "No bed!  I want to play. Just let me play."  Any more words are left to his terrible cries.  The rest of Atlantis probably thinks John and Rodney are torturing the poor kid.

Somehow the cries die off. A while longer later there is silence. John peeks in only to find Rodney sleeping while Torren draws on the walls with permanent marker.

"Hey! Back in bed. Now."  He uses his extra sharp giving orders voice.  It can make the marines jump but Torren just keeps on coloring pretending not to notice John.  

John's tempted for a moment to call in his marines.  Surely they'd be able to get Torren to sleep.  He hesitates out of pride.  Calling anyone else would seem like a failure.  Lorne and several others never have a problem getting Torren to sleep so it would make John look bad.

He checks Rodney's list.

He's tried all five without success and can't think of anything else to add to the list.

He decides to give 'giving up' one last go.  He settles into a nearby chair and closes his eyes.  He hears clanging dishes, singing toys, and scurrying little feet.  The noises continue for a good hour.

He feels like he's on a mission, keeping quiet and feigning sleep to gain intel. John sighs in relief when he hears rhythmic breathing.  Just to be sure, he waits a moment before opening his eyes.   He finds Torren across the room, draped over a toy in a contorted position that can't be comfortable.

"Should we move him?" Rodney asks.

“You were never really asleep, were you?” John asks.

“No, not really.  Should we move him?” Rodney asks again.

John shakes his head.  "Not worth the risk."

"See, I told you my plan would work," Rodney says.

John given an incredulous stare but doesn't answer further.

A glance at the nearby clocks reveals it’s already  past midnight, not exactly the best way to show Teyla they're responsible.

"There has to be a better way," John says.

"Oh no no no.  I know that look.  No.  We're not doing this again.  There's something to be said for giving up and not choosing to go through hell over and over again."

"We're going to solve this," John says.  He won't be bested by a kid. He's determined to prove himself.

Rodney sighs next to him.  "Fine," he says.  "But we're going to need a better list."

**Author's Note:**

> I miss the SGA community and I'm always happy to talk SGA. I am attempting to be on Tumblr but feel antique and I don't quite get the site yet. I am on dreamwidth as sgatazmy. If you want to talk SGA comment here or visit me on my journal. Thanks!


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